T-Rex in a Sports Bra
July 23, 2021
Picture this: Target, 2021. Kid #3 has requested yet another trip to the store for frivolous things, but I’m always up for a Target run. I could spend hours daydreaming of an updated bookcase styling from the baubles within Project 62, browsing the seasonal aisles for more throw pillows for my overstuffed front room couch, or perusing new shades of eye shadow that I’ll never figure out how to blend.
The fact that kid #3 figured out long ago if she spins it as “spending quality time” with me, then I’ll pay for most of the items in her cart, doesn’t even phase me. Whatever. It’s the literal price I pay for a good time with my teen. And to be honest, I prefer this type of activity to the younger, collision-filled days at Bouncy Castle.
We did our typical scan for cute clothes, then ventured towards the workout gear. I have this theory that if I buy new workout clothes then I’ll be more motivated to work out. Sometimes that theory is proven correct. And sometimes I walk out of Target with a bag of chocolate coconut Bark Thins that don’t survive the drive home.
On the morning of this particular Target run I’d had yet another fight with my sports bra. The back likes to roll while I’m putting it on over my head and my arms won’t bend the way they need to reach back and untangle it. It’s an ongoing battle. One that has resulted in various items being used to assist my fleeting flexibility.
FYI – Plastic hangers do not work and will result in a walk of shame that ends with your husband removing the broken-off hook caught in the rolled-up fabric.
As I wandered through the Target clothing racks and judged waistbands for their potential to keep pant legs from sliding down, I stumbled upon a zip-front sports bra. Fluorescent lights beamed from behind it, like a beacon from the heavens above, and I just knew this was going to be the answer to my ongoing bra battle. One of my BFF’s swears by them and assures me they don’t unzip while working out.
Dressing rooms were finally open again from COVID, so I grabbed a few sizes and all but skipped inside to try on the answer to my bra prayers. After a few misses lining up the zipper I was bouncing up and down to ensure adequate support and that the zipper wouldn’t drift down mid-grapevine. Structure was all on par, but the armpit budge was less than attractive. Better size up, I thought.
This is where things went sideways. As I unzipped, I should have held onto at least one of the sides instead of letting both straps slingshot the cups backward. And guess where they went? Yup, that exact spot on my back where I can’t reach.
I panicked, turning in circles like a dog chasing its tail, trying to grab hold of a cup or a piece of strap with my ridiculous T-Rex arms. The heat from the blinding dressing room lights beat down on me as my upper lip beaded with sweat. I took a break, leaning against the cool laminate partition wall, wishing I had a bag of Bark Thins to help me through this. I briefly contemplated texting Kid #3 for assistance, but the ridicule would be swift and severe. So, I folded in half like a rag doll and shimmied that thing down towards my head until I could reach it.
I was exhausted. Embarrassed. And this wasn’t even the first time I’d gotten stuck in an article of clothing inside a dressing room.
Now, why didn’t I just grab a strap at the front shoulder to get it off? No idea. Like I said, I panicked. It didn’t occur to me that was my way out until I got home and started writing this post.
Then I saw this picture of these arm extenders, which I’ll be ordering off Prime asap.
So, the next time you find yourself shopping for sports bras, try to Keep it Golden, Girl. Don’t panic! And if anyone knows a magic spell to put on a sports bra without the back rolling up, please share!